he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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