the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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