i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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