No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
