i'm signing you up for texting rehab
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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