I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
