Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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