Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize