My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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