I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
