I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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