Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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