i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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