so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
