all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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