I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
