I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
