I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
