I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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