Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
