I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So. Much. Porn.
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