Got a toothbrush?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
