I cannot find my penis.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
