and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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