I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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