The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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