im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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