T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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