Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
