I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
