Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
