I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
