i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
