shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
