mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
