I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
