ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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