Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
