I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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