The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
