i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
