apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize