im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize