Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
