I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
