The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
