i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
