The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We're too hungover to prance.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
