I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do vagina's smell?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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