Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Couch. On fire.
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