Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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