you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
