i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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