Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
