Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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