Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
