I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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